I cannot ignore the 4-year contract I signed with JPA, and I don't want to simply find something very easy to do just to get pass this 4 years... I cannot let this happen in my life. So, I started thinking seriously about what jobs I want to get, as I thought I would suffer through this 4 years then embrace my freedom all I want. 先苦後甜.
I like the feeling of teaching, to be more precise, I like the feeling of being admire by the people I guide academically. To be even more precise about the targeted group, I only feel like teaching some elites who share my field of interest (or things I am good at). I googled 'how to become a tutor in UM', can't really figure out how to get into this world as I don't even have an Honours. Then I resorted to the next option 'how to become a high school teaching in Malaysia', I found Teach For Malaysia yesterday. I was pumped to find a possible route to go, and the fellowship is only for two years, I can also serve the bond with JPA. I was even more pumped when I found out they extended the application deadline to 7/7, I thought the luck is with me and my route for the next two years is fixed at that moment.
I am glad that before I could act on impulse, I read the fellows' stories... TFM is SUPER TOUGH. and how could I forget what I experienced during my part-time jobs as teachers? I pitied the weak students, I knew some of them need help, I experienced this feeling of despair, of not knowing anything, of being so overwhelmed and terrified by the texts MYSELF in Taiwan. I needed help back then, but I just didn't know what to do... I was so so so close to falling...
Do all these experiences make me want to contribute, make me want to put in blood and tears? in changing Malaysia? in changing the fates of some children that I don't know?
THE ANSWER IS NO.... unfortunately. I know, deep down in me, when I pity someone, when I see someone who needs help, I just want to turn away and I just don't want them to even exist. I JUST WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIVE BY MYSELF.... maybe this is so wrong that I couldn't even convince myself to actually accept that this thought is inside my mind.
anyhow, I am NOT READY to contribute. not yet. maybe I just want to live for myself for another two more years, for master program. As I don't feel like achieving anything after this 3 years... I wasted so many, so many courses... I was jumping and swaying on the paths, I wasted the opportunities and money given to me, because I made a reluctant choice to come here.
I don't want to repeat this path again. If I choose TFM now (starting 2019), I will just repeat this path again... as this would be another reluctant choice. I know what I want the most now, I finally found it, please, myself, don't take away this treasure again, please.
